Friday, January 22, 2010
Same old thing, different day
It has been one year and oh what a year it has been. I was able to enjoy the first 4 or 5 months at home working for my brother trying to finish up plans for an ice cream shoppe and a large vet's office. It is work that I truly love so of course it came to and end as the economy continued to fail. I was able to find a job that I like, especially because of the people I get to work with. I never had any desire to work full time outside of my home. I still feel like a failure every morning as I leave for work and I really have a hard time when I realize that my children have been home by themselves for 3 hours by the time I manage to get home. I wonder if Kincade will ever remember that I stayed home with him. Because of Brian's work schedule he has a day off during the week. He gets to stay home and enjoy the quiet house that I looked forward to for 18 years, I'm trying really hard not to be angry about that. I wonder about the whole plan of life these days and it certainly doesn't make any sense to me. My house has fallen into disaster, the kids seem to fighting every time I walk in the door. Why it the world was I sent all of these children if I won't be able to be with them when they need me? It has become the question haunting my mind. I am thankful for the time I have had to be with them but some days it feels like my usefulness as a mother has expired.
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4 comments:
Melisa, I'm so sorry that it is hard for you. You are so amazing though. I understand your feelings, but I hope you remember you are a good mother. You're children are so blessed to have come to your home. There were dark days in my life, when I wondered about my worth, but one of the thoughts that helped me was that I was my children's mother. No one and nothing could ever take my place in their lives and their hearts. The same is true for you. I don't know why things are like they are in your life right now, but I've come to trust that there are reasons, ones we usually never understand until years later. I know that doesn't make things easier, but I want you to know how much I love and respect you. I only worked with you in scouts for a little time, but you truly are an example to me of loving and giving. If I can help you out in any way I'd love to. Kincade and Kimberly could come over here after school every day if you want. I'll be praying for you. Hang in there, and eventually things have to get better right :)
Sis, I love you. There is no reason why things work out so differently than we ever envisioned. I hope you get to enjoy some of the things you looked forward to for years. I love you. Laurie
Melisa, I am so sorry that things have not worked out as you invisioned them. "Unfulfilled expectations" are the hardest things to deal with! You are a great mom and women. You will be blessed for your service and for raising your little ones. Good luck! I am praying for you and hope you will see a light at the end of the tunnel soon!
Christina
Can't sleep - so I am looking at all the blogs. Since this is 2 years old I doubt you ever enter here. When you are working as hard as you do there is not time for such things.
I still want to leave a message and let you know that I love you and think you have a wonderful family. You are a wise and loving Mom and your family is so lucky to have you. I understand your sadness and still wonder in how many ways I failed all of you by going to work when Sarah was only 2 years old. The last of my beloved children that I prayed (begged)so long for and then had to shuffle her around and miss the times I so desperatly wanted to be at home.
I still struggle with the anger of having to do that.
There is a saying in Sarah's doctors office that says (near as I can remember) The past is past, so don't waste your present worrying about the future. I am really trying to enjoy the present. Get rid of the anger & disappointment of the past. And try not to think about being poor, sick, old & scary.
I feel like this move has given you a new beginning and I pray that you can enjoy the present, every day.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
For ever and ever,
My baby you'll be.
Love forever,
Mom
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